Kylie (done w/ her snack) "Mom, can I have some of Beck's fruit snacks?"
Me (after automatically saying No and then changing my mind) "You know what, you do such a good job of sharing with him, that yes, you can have ONE of his fruit snack because he only has a couple."
Kylie grabs what I think is one snack while I'm digging in the refrigerator. After finding what I am looking for, I close the door, only to see that she is staring at me with this look on her face, and won't take her eyes off of me...you know...the look. So I ask her if she took only one, to which she shook her head yes. Then..and this is the best...
Kylie "Mom, I need to go hide under the table for a minute."
At which point I know she has taken more than one. I make her open her hands to find three fruit snacks in them. I make her give them all back to Beck, I tell her how disappointed I am in her, and I excuse her from the table. This is what I actually do, now what I want to do is yell..what I want to do is cry...what I want to do is something, ANYTHING that will make her never attempt this again.
End of story.
End of story, except for the fact that this is all I think about the rest of the day. This event marks the first time where Kylie purposefully lied to me, tried to get away with something, knowingly made a poor decision. And I, for the life of me, can't get over it! I know, I know, Jason is right, "She's a kid, Brook, she's going to spend the rest of her life trying to get away with things, that's what kids do." But as I lay in bed at night, all I can think about is the next time...will I be too busy with the other kids to notice and catch her? Will I be oblivious to her schemes when she's a young teen and too smart for her own good? Sure, she's easy to read now, she's only 4...but she has plenty of time to learn...and perfect her talent.
This takes me back to the point I come face to face with every day...parenting isn't easy, and only gets harder as your children grow. Whoever said that having a newborn is tough work, clearly has never had a 4yr. old, and I can only imagine what a parent of teens would say about that statement.
In those few seconds, a million thoughts raced through my mind...what to do to make this a teachable moment (and I eventually attempt to later that night before we pray...after I had calmed down a bit) all the while trying to keep in mind that she is only a child, that we all carry sin with us, that eventually the innocence that is childhood will ware around the edges.
But is it not a microcosm for life? What comes to mind the this weeks episode of brothers and sisters...I know, a strange place to have a t.v. drama insert, but stay with me. Nora Walker, a mother of 5 grown children attempts to explain the difficulties of parenting. She describes the feeling you have as a mother when the school bus drives away for the first time with your baby inside. And how you spend the rest of your life trying to close the distance between you and your child, how you painstakingly grasp at any control you have to protect your children, to guide them, to nurture them, all the while watching the world have its way with them. How you spend the rest of your life chasing that bus...
Nothing in life is a guarantee. I remember being younger and listening to my mom tell me that 'one day I'll understand...when I have children of my own.' I have had many of these moments in the short, almost 5 yrs. as a mom, where I stop cold and remember these words. Where I think of my mom and realize how strong she really is to have done this with me for close to thirty years. How difficult it is to love someone so endlessly, and yet have no control over them in the end. How, as a parent, it is difficult to not judge your abilities based on the success of your children. And the list goes on...
So now it is close to 20 hours after 'the event', and I am sitting at my computer, brooding over three fruit snacks, with tears rolling down my face.
I don't want to let go. It is so hard to let go.
Nothing in life is a guarantee...maybe even your sanity.
Love you mom, thanks for doing what you did...and do..everyday.
