a weekend of celebration!

Kylie, Makenzie, and Ashlyn waiting for the band to come down the street
These three spell TROUBLE!
Love the fact that they took their dress up play outside. Makenzie is ready for a snow storm and Ky looks like she's headed to school!
Since Gary was sleeping in Ky's room, she made a bed on the floor of our bedroom. She started the night next to the night stand on the opposite wall with the door only slightly ajar. This is how she ended. Slowly she crept closer and closer so she could keep an eye on us.
To celebrate all the good news we got this week about the baby, we decided to have a fun filled weekend with some of our favorite people! Thursday night I met two very dear friends of mine from back in the old soccer days, Hayley and Amanda. It was just us girls, so it was so nice to catch up and hang out without changing diapers or wiping mouths during the meal. And I hope Amanda took only the good out of our mommy conversations, since we can't WAIT for her to get on the bandwagon!

Friday afternoon J's best friend Gary came in town to hang out with us and the kids. Friday evening my fave. people from Hudson, alright, let's be honest, the only two people I talked to, Lacy and Kyle, came over to hang out and celebrate Lacy's 30th birthday!

We started Saturday morning bright and early by heading over to Stephanie and Aaron's house to let the kids play, have breakfast, and watch the Wylie H.S. band March-a-thon that was happening in our neighborhood. The girls had fun playing dress up and hanging outside while we watched the band go by.

Saturday afternoon Emily, Josh, and of course, Cash, THE MAN, came over to hang out, play, and have some lunch. We brought the day to a close after Gary and J took both the kids to the pool so I could lay down and rest.

Sunday was filled with church, a trip to babies r us, and then some driving around to look at some areas we are interested in potentially moving to. The moving thing is very hit or miss for me. At times I am excited about the possibility of a new adventure. But, most of the time, I am tired just thinking about what a pain the process is going to be, and how hard it will be leave the friends and life we have made here (not that we'll be moving far).

Here are a few pics. Enjoy!

BLESSED

whew! Where to begin? Jason and I headed back to the doctors today for another sonogram. Neither of us said it, but I think we were both still 50/50 on if we thought this baby was going to make it. The sono tech looked around for a solid 20 minutes and in the end was amazed to see that there was NO sign of the SH they had previously seen only 4 weeks ago.

The doctor came into the exam room after that and this was the convo:

Him: So that's good news!

Me: Yeah! Really good! Really surprising!

Him: Yea, the tech said she was shocked that there was no sign of it. I'm not going to lie, I've never seen a hemorrhage as big as yours heal that fast. I mean that sucker was HUGE. I remember looking at the sono pics and thinking...wow.

I love the fact that before, what was described to me as a 'fairly moderate size' has become 'huge', but in the words of my doctor, what good would it have done to describe it that way previously when there is nothing to be done either way. Now, my doctor is a fairly awkward man, but as many of you know, I can be quite strange from time to time, so we get along quite well. I like the fact that there is no formalities and I can talk to him w/out all the crap you get from some docs.

Anyways...This is all good news. God has heard our prayers and has spread his blessings upon our family. I think it still hasn't fully hit me yet and I'm not sure when it will. Being that I'm just shy of 16 weeks, we tried to take a look at the sex, but the baby wasn't really cooperating. He/she was sitting indian style and wouldn't stop moving the entire time. There was a brief glimpse of what the tech and I both thought to be boy parts, but she said 'this early, it could have just as likely been a foot.' So we go back in another month to determine the sex and actually do all the blood work and cultures I have yet to do.

It is a good day.

We are relieved.

We are thankful.

We are humbled

We are truly blessed.

My morning, thus far, in pictures...

Discovering the dish towels. I spent the next five minutes putting them all back in the drawer.
Now this is the face of someone in trouble...
the only thing he loves playing with more than doors, is the vacuum.

caught red handed, playing with the doorstop.

So excuse me if I laugh when people ask if I'm resting...

Breathe...and have Faith.

On the move...
So, today is Monday. Wednesday is THE day. THE day we go back to the doctor. THE day we find out if there is any improvement on the baby. Up until about a week ago, I was in, what I considered, to be a pretty good spot. I had yet to make up my mind about what I thought was going to happen. I was ready to go in open to any possibility. But, as most of you know, the ability to keep yourself from your own brain only lasts so long. I have felt better in the last two weeks than I have in quite a while, well, minus the fact that I'm now getting morning sickness for the first time (but hey, I did this with Kylie too, right when you're suppose to be feeling better, I started getting sick). So now I'm in a tough spot, now...I'm getting tension migraines because I know that if I go in with an expectation, that comes with the opportunity to be let down. Now...this is all I think about. But luckily, the wait won't be too much longer. J is taking the day off so he can come with me to the docs, which, looking back is crazy. He went to EVERY apt. when I was pregnant with Kylie, and many with Beckham. Now, I'm at almost 16 weeks and he hasn't even seen the heartbeat. Much of this is because of us finding out so late, the rest, you can chalk up to being busy at work, or watching the other kids so I can go to the appointments in peace. So, not denying it any longer...I'm hoping, might I say expecting?, good news in two days, or AT LEAST not bad news. And I KNOW this sets me up for a potentially horrible day if I am wrong, but we think what we think, and now, all I can do is breathe...and have faith.

On much lighter notes, Beck is finally crawling, albeit a very slow, fairly unproductive crawl. But I think he's liking it. So far, he's discovered the door stops (super annoying, but inevitable, I know) and the entertainment center. Yesterday, he crawled over to the entertainment center doors and sat and cried for 10 minutes because the doors were closed and thus, he couldn't play inside. My response? tough cookie, get over it. The nice part about the crawling? Since he's been on the move, he's consistently sleeping through the night, something we haven't seen since he was much younger.

Kylie started Jumpstart today at her school. New class, new teachers. THE LAST class between her and kindergarten next year (An absolutely CRAZY thought)! She's so over the patch wearing, as are Jason and I, and I think we're all ready for her appointment where she will be retested to see if the patch has done what it is suppose to do. Fingers crossed that this will be the end of the eye dilemmas we've faced as of late.

Virginia Beach

This past week we had the honor of heading out to the beach to help Matt and Lindsay celebrate getting married. Jason was in the wedding, and since we were going to make the trip, we decided to go ahead and make it a family vacation as well. (we'll take any opportunity to hang out at the beach). J's parents met us there (thank goodness! not sure how I would have done it if not for their help), and we spent as much time as we could on the ocean.

Kylie was in absolute heaven. It was like pulling teeth anytime I had to get her headed back to the condo to eat a meal, and although Beck wasn't the biggest fan of the water (it was pretty chilly for him) he really enjoyed just chillin' in the stroller and watching all the action.

I could go on forever about what we did, but the short version is this...I think the only one who wanted to go home at the end of the six days was Jason (and that ONLY because he was exhausted). The trip reaffirmed what we already know...at some point in time...this family WILL live near the ocean, nothing feels more right than that. Here are a couple pics from the trip (we took over 200) and I hope to post more when we get the ones from J's rents.

Congrats to Matt and Linsdsay and thanks SO much for letting us take part in your amazing wedding weekend.

Kylie being the amazing big sister she is, playing with Beckham in the 'pool' Jason made.
Checkin' out the sand

Kylie writing her name in the sand
I had so much fun with her on the beach. we spent hours picking up shells, playing 'turtle', and burying each other.

Kylie with the bride and groom
group shot...Beck and I didn't make it to the reception. He, or rather his naps, did not cooperate.

What a BEAUTIFUL bride

Rehearsal dinner off the water...at an oyster bar =)
racing the waves up to the shore


the boys
boys out on the town
golfing
beck's first trip in an airplane. he did pretty well all things considered. flirted with the flight attendants most of the time.

Stir crazy...

So we're five days into this 'pelvic rest' stuff, and I'm going crazy!! I'll spare you all the little details and just touch on a couple of the things that have been making its way through my mind time and time again...

1. For starters, I feel super guilty. I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world, who goes from the moment he gets up, to the moment he lays down at night. He cooks, helps clean, helps a TON with the kids, and is sure to take care of me also. And although I'll be the first to admit that he does much more around here than I do (darn energy level =))...I still find time to keep the house tidy during the week, do the laundry, etc. Now, with this rest thing...all that has come to a stop. When Beck naps, I sit, no questions about it. The other night J asked how he's suppose to find the time to add more things that need to be done around here...and although he didn't pose it in an accusational kind of way(he really needed help figuring it out) I freaked out...truth is, I don't know how he's going to find the time...and I feel guilty that I'm home and can't do the little bit I do on a regular basis.

2. My clothes don't fit, and for some reason I'm still refusing to shop maternity...I did find my waist 'be band' that I never threw out, although I did manage to sell and donate ALL of my maternity clothes from previous pregnancies. I'm hoping the band will get me through the rest of the summer, and I guess at some point, i'll have to give in and get a couple items to get me through fall and winter.

3. There are times, albeit the rare emotional ones, when I get frustrated at Beck because he needs so much and if I had more time, I could give this baby and the sac more time to heal. Then, there are times when I'm frustrated at the baby, because it is keeping me from fully enjoying my little man that I LOVE so dearly. And then I catch myself thinking one of these thoughts, and feel guilty that such thoughts are even going through my head...what kind of a mom am I???

All in all, We're doing what we can. Little changes have been made that I think are giving me the best chance. I've stopped changing Beck on the floor, to avoid lifting him up and down that far, that often. I'm now just running Ky into school and someone else is walking her to class, instead of having to get Beck in and out of the car another time. Beck eats most of his snacks on the floor now (not worth getting him to the high chair). I say this with all the conviction in the world, I have NO IDEA how mommy's on bed rest do it!!!

I'll end this post with the most frustrating part of all of this...poop. I know what you're thinking, let me explain. Pregnancy for me, consists of this major sensitivity to smells (never had this with Ky, but a ton when I was pregnant with Beck) and now I find myself developing the same issue. Last week, Kylie had a stomach ache, I went to go check on her in the bathroom and started dry heaving the minute I walked in. I couldn't even stay to help. This morning, Beck decided to poop three times....maybe this is payback for making him a middle child? Anyways, I had to plug my nose with a hair clippy and force myself to change it. Long story short...it is going to be a very long six months.

We go back to the doctor on the 25th for another ultrasound. And although I still haven't developed a gut feeling as to what I think will happen, I feel confident that we are currently doing what we can. Jason did all the Beck lifting this weekend, I didn't lift him once. And I noticed that I have cramped less in the last two days than I have in weeks. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I would have to imagine that this is a good sign...

Summer is flying by...

First haircut...of course daddy fed him the entire time...

momma's angel

tent making time
look at my giant, her and makenzie are only two months apart...LOVE the cheesy smiles

I feel like we've been waiting for vacation this summer FOREVER! And now its right on the horizon and I feel like it popped up outta nowhere. Don't ya hate when that happens? We leave in a couple days to have some fun in the sun in Virginia Beach and watch two very special people say 'i do'.

We've been keeping busy lately...

Jason traveled all last week for work in preparation for being out on vacation, so the kids and I had a lot of time to spare. My parents came over and helped me take Ky and Beckham to grab some dinner at chick-fil-a on Tuesday night, which I guess is their 'family night' (I had no idea) It was really neat. They had someone there doing balloons for free, and THE BEST face painter I have ever seen. Usually Kylie would NEVER get her face painted (she just doesn't like the feel of it) but after seeing one kid's neat cheetah face, she was sold. Although, she opted for the angel (you can see the halo and wings), and a princess crown by the balloon man. What I thought was going to be a quick trip for dinner, turned into over an hr. of fun. Beck LOVED watching all the kiddos running around, and was equally as fascinated with the balloon man.

Speaking of Beck, the big man got his first hair cut last weekend so he'll be looking quite dashing at the wedding. I know he didn't have a lot to begin with, but the fly aways around this boys ears were killing me. He did really well until the very end, and although the final product wasn't perfect (and cost like $20!!!!!) it was still better than I could have done on a wiggly 9 month old.

We have been spending a good deal of time with Stephanie and her girls lately. I think we both admit that its just TOO HOT outside to do anything, and the girls LOVE playing together. I can't even explain how big of a help they have all been, from making me laugh, to keeping kylie busy, or watching Beck while I'm at appointments. Here are a couple pics while they played dress up (from my closet and kylie's). They also put a lot of effort into making a tent in the living room!

Dr. Apt.

This post is going to be pretty short and to the point. j's been out of town since yesterday and his flight home got delayed...I'm tired, Beck's cranky, and Kylie....well, all she wants to do is go back over to her friend Makenzie's house where she played ALL DAY!!!! (I tell you, there is something about having great friends, I know for a fact I wouldn't be sane still if it wasn't for Stephanie).

Anyways, back to the point. Met with the sono tech today, she recognized me since it hadn't been that long since I had to deal with her and issues with Beck (placenta problems, lack of weight gain, etc). So sad...Anyways....the diagnosis? Subchorionic hemorrhage. I know right, what??? Let me dumb it down for you like the doctor had to do for me...The baby sack is separating from the uterine wall, causing massive bleeding and cramping. Good news is the baby is doing very well....and the actual 'official' answer is that we're 11 weeks and 5 days along, putting the due date at Feb. 18th. The not so good news, this hemorrhaging puts me in a high risk category, meaning that if the issue doesn't fix itself, we will most likely have a miscarriage. There is NOTHING the doctor can do except monitor, there is no surgery or medicine except prayer that my body will recognize what happened and begin to reabsorb the blood, allowing the walls to reconnect. I have another sono in three weeks, and the goal is to see that the bleeding hasn't gotten bigger (this would be bad) and hopefully it will have shrunk a little bit. But, according to the doctor, mine is a fairly large size, meaning it could be months until it heals...there is no known cause for this, although they do think that this might have been what caused the miscarriages before Beck. Its sorta like a...if you have one, you're probably susceptible to them in general.

I came home and started to do all this research, found a site where all these mom's put their stories fighting with similar situations as ours, some successful, some not. I didn't get that far and I shut off the computer. I know God already has our story written, and I will trust in Him. Until the next appointment, more pelvic rest, no exercise, no lifting (heavier than Beck) In other words, the easier I take it, the higher chance that this fixes itself quicker. Oh yea, I forgot to mention that the doctor also said he wouldn't be surprised if there is more bleeding episodes (what fun!) but according to him, if the baby has survived the last two, and is only getting stronger, he has high hopes that it will be a positive outcome. So here's to praying that this little fighter remains a little fighter....And that is the latest...

Baby, Baby.....Baby?

I will be the first to say that Jason and I have been very blessed as a family, and although the path God has set before us has been a bit different than the one we imagined, in many ways, we have everything we ever wanted. Both of us always wanted two children. We both grew up with one sibling, and although I still remember my older sister pinning me down while we fought over dress up clothes, I wouldn't have had it any other way. After the traumatic event that was two miscarriages, and then finding out about Beck's pregnancy shortly after, pregnancy, in general, since Kylie has been anything but 'enjoyable.' I look back at how 'green' I was while pregnant with Ky, and I yearn for that abandoned excitement and joy.

We felt so blessed when Beck came into our lives, and relieved because we knew that we were done with all the heartache that can come along with trying to get pregnant. We discussed Jason having a vasectomy, however, after talking to my OBGYN, who convinced us that we were really young to be having such a procedure, we decided to take the route of birth control. And even though your chances of getting pregnant while nursing is like less than 4%, I had him put me on the pill anyway, just to be sure. There wasn't a question in my mind that we were done. I was complete. Our family felt whole. I had two beautiful children that I could devote my entire life to.

I weaned Beckham to a bottle at 6 1/2 months and took the rest of my 'specialty' birth control (b/c of nursing) until it ran out. I was even responsible enough to call the doctor, who confirmed that I really needed to wait until I had my first cycle before starting back up on regular birth control. This wait lasted two weeks, at what point I had a very heavy cycle (one that I would have been worried about had I not already heard that your first, post-nursing, can be like this). I took an entire month of pills, including the inactive ones, and never had my second cycle. I could tell my hormones were screwed up, and assumed my body was just not back to normal yet. I knew that I needed to have some testing done, so I planned on calling the doctor. Just thinking ahead, I assumed that they would ask if I took a pregnancy test, so I decided to take one just so we could move past that moot point and figure out what was really going on. Imagine my surprise (dare I even say fear?) when I got the results. Its amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye, or in our case, in the sight of two pink lines, yet again...

I will try to sum up the rest of the story (at least up to date) in much less detail. Let's just say it was a lot of what? no.....can we sue the doctor? we don't have a vehicle for this...we don't have a house for this...we don't have time for this...we don't have energy for this...but the biggest of all...we didn't WANT this. Jason and I tried to get our heads around the idea all the while feeling like very fickle Christians. How dare we? It wasn't but two years ago when we started our journey that lead us to Beck. When I laid in bed and cried for hours after we lost the first one. and how I did the exact same thing only months later with the second. And now we look to Him and ask, how could you?

I will fast forward through all the thought processes which were adrenaline filled and such...Obviously, with my history, we waited to book an apt. knowing there was a high chance that this pregnancy would not continue to be. (and truthfully at the time, I think Jason and I were both ok with that idea, although the thought of losing another one was enough to make me sick to my stomach, and no, it wasn't morning sickness).

After two weeks I booked an apt. and finally started to admit that at around 7 weeks, this most likely was going to happen. Two days before the apt. I woke up with some very bad cramping that lasted all day (some times so bad that it took my breath away) and started bleeding sometime around 1 in the afternoon. Having gone through similar events with the two miscarriages, we were fairly certain that we had lost this one. I cried. Jason cried. But in the end, we were ok. I kept the apt. for the simple fact that compared to the other two miscarriages, I didn't really bleed enough...sorry if this amt. of detail disgusts you, I'm not trying to offend....I went in, explained to the physician's assistant what was going on. long story short, we decide to do an ultrasound and schedule a dnc if there was anything still in the uterus....now, on to the second whirl-wind experience....

The convo went something like this:

her: well, there is something in here

me: thinking crap...dnc, what fun (I was able to avoid this w/ the other two miscarriages)

her: there's a baby

me: thinking crap..I don't want to hear this

her: (turning the screen towards me) and there's the heartbeat

me: silent.....thinking... WHAT?

her: (strange face) how far along did you say you are?

me: 7 weeks

her: no. you're closer to 10 1/2

me: silent...thinking...WHAT?

So after the head spinning we looked at a calendar and I started to TRY and figure everything out. If I was really that far along, that means that heavy period I had, wasn't really a period b/c I was already pregnant. That means I got pregnant sometime in the TINY two weeks window when I was on nothing (really, what are the chances?) That means I took an entire month of birth control when I was already pregnant????

So, we'll fast forward again to today. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a sono specialist who is going to take a closer look, figure out exactly how far along we are, and try to figure out where all the bleeding is coming from. I have been put on pelvic rest...try doing that w/ a 9 month old who still refuses to crawl...

I write for your prayers. Those of you who keep up with this blog, although small in number, are very dear to both Jason and I. There are so many couples we both pray for daily who are looking for their own little bundles of joy, and while we're still trying to get our heads around our third...once I saw the baby move and the pulsating heart, I was done. No more doubting, no more worrying. I have a beautiful baby growing inside, and I can't wait to meet him/her soon (even sooner than I thought) I'll keep everyone updated on how the apt. goes tomorrow.

Until then...I'm left with this thought. We are daily learning the lesson over and over again, that this life isn't ours, but rather the Lords. I wonder if I'll ever get it....I know I will keep trying. and keep learning...