Baby, Baby.....Baby?

I will be the first to say that Jason and I have been very blessed as a family, and although the path God has set before us has been a bit different than the one we imagined, in many ways, we have everything we ever wanted. Both of us always wanted two children. We both grew up with one sibling, and although I still remember my older sister pinning me down while we fought over dress up clothes, I wouldn't have had it any other way. After the traumatic event that was two miscarriages, and then finding out about Beck's pregnancy shortly after, pregnancy, in general, since Kylie has been anything but 'enjoyable.' I look back at how 'green' I was while pregnant with Ky, and I yearn for that abandoned excitement and joy.

We felt so blessed when Beck came into our lives, and relieved because we knew that we were done with all the heartache that can come along with trying to get pregnant. We discussed Jason having a vasectomy, however, after talking to my OBGYN, who convinced us that we were really young to be having such a procedure, we decided to take the route of birth control. And even though your chances of getting pregnant while nursing is like less than 4%, I had him put me on the pill anyway, just to be sure. There wasn't a question in my mind that we were done. I was complete. Our family felt whole. I had two beautiful children that I could devote my entire life to.

I weaned Beckham to a bottle at 6 1/2 months and took the rest of my 'specialty' birth control (b/c of nursing) until it ran out. I was even responsible enough to call the doctor, who confirmed that I really needed to wait until I had my first cycle before starting back up on regular birth control. This wait lasted two weeks, at what point I had a very heavy cycle (one that I would have been worried about had I not already heard that your first, post-nursing, can be like this). I took an entire month of pills, including the inactive ones, and never had my second cycle. I could tell my hormones were screwed up, and assumed my body was just not back to normal yet. I knew that I needed to have some testing done, so I planned on calling the doctor. Just thinking ahead, I assumed that they would ask if I took a pregnancy test, so I decided to take one just so we could move past that moot point and figure out what was really going on. Imagine my surprise (dare I even say fear?) when I got the results. Its amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye, or in our case, in the sight of two pink lines, yet again...

I will try to sum up the rest of the story (at least up to date) in much less detail. Let's just say it was a lot of what? no.....can we sue the doctor? we don't have a vehicle for this...we don't have a house for this...we don't have time for this...we don't have energy for this...but the biggest of all...we didn't WANT this. Jason and I tried to get our heads around the idea all the while feeling like very fickle Christians. How dare we? It wasn't but two years ago when we started our journey that lead us to Beck. When I laid in bed and cried for hours after we lost the first one. and how I did the exact same thing only months later with the second. And now we look to Him and ask, how could you?

I will fast forward through all the thought processes which were adrenaline filled and such...Obviously, with my history, we waited to book an apt. knowing there was a high chance that this pregnancy would not continue to be. (and truthfully at the time, I think Jason and I were both ok with that idea, although the thought of losing another one was enough to make me sick to my stomach, and no, it wasn't morning sickness).

After two weeks I booked an apt. and finally started to admit that at around 7 weeks, this most likely was going to happen. Two days before the apt. I woke up with some very bad cramping that lasted all day (some times so bad that it took my breath away) and started bleeding sometime around 1 in the afternoon. Having gone through similar events with the two miscarriages, we were fairly certain that we had lost this one. I cried. Jason cried. But in the end, we were ok. I kept the apt. for the simple fact that compared to the other two miscarriages, I didn't really bleed enough...sorry if this amt. of detail disgusts you, I'm not trying to offend....I went in, explained to the physician's assistant what was going on. long story short, we decide to do an ultrasound and schedule a dnc if there was anything still in the uterus....now, on to the second whirl-wind experience....

The convo went something like this:

her: well, there is something in here

me: thinking crap...dnc, what fun (I was able to avoid this w/ the other two miscarriages)

her: there's a baby

me: thinking crap..I don't want to hear this

her: (turning the screen towards me) and there's the heartbeat

me: silent.....thinking... WHAT?

her: (strange face) how far along did you say you are?

me: 7 weeks

her: no. you're closer to 10 1/2

me: silent...thinking...WHAT?

So after the head spinning we looked at a calendar and I started to TRY and figure everything out. If I was really that far along, that means that heavy period I had, wasn't really a period b/c I was already pregnant. That means I got pregnant sometime in the TINY two weeks window when I was on nothing (really, what are the chances?) That means I took an entire month of birth control when I was already pregnant????

So, we'll fast forward again to today. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a sono specialist who is going to take a closer look, figure out exactly how far along we are, and try to figure out where all the bleeding is coming from. I have been put on pelvic rest...try doing that w/ a 9 month old who still refuses to crawl...

I write for your prayers. Those of you who keep up with this blog, although small in number, are very dear to both Jason and I. There are so many couples we both pray for daily who are looking for their own little bundles of joy, and while we're still trying to get our heads around our third...once I saw the baby move and the pulsating heart, I was done. No more doubting, no more worrying. I have a beautiful baby growing inside, and I can't wait to meet him/her soon (even sooner than I thought) I'll keep everyone updated on how the apt. goes tomorrow.

Until then...I'm left with this thought. We are daily learning the lesson over and over again, that this life isn't ours, but rather the Lords. I wonder if I'll ever get it....I know I will keep trying. and keep learning...