I needed this reminder this morning as I woke up to one of those days. You know the ones I'm talking about, where you just want to crawl back into bed and try again later, hope for better luck the next time around. I would say that it all started Saturday, when Beck decided he was too old for two naps anymore, making the last two days VERY LONG, but I guess I could trace it back the last week or so when I fell into some sort of rut and just can't seem to find my way out of it. It happens, I know, and this too will pass... =)
Let's start with the pregnancy thing. I'm on the verge of the downhill slide, and if you've ever been pregnant, you know what I mean. I'm almost uncomfortable, I'm almost having problems sleeping, I'm almost too big to bend over and cut my toe nails. I am getting tired again. I am fighting reflux again, I am (as clearly seen) an emotional wreck again as well. I knew this day was on the horizon, teasing me with its impending doom, but truth be told, no matter how much I hoped and prayed to become alright with this pregnancy idea, the physical aspects still have me very frustrated. I welcomed the uncomfortableness, and maybe even the tiredness with Beck. I couldn't wait to see him and to get there I was willing to do and put up with ANYTHING! This pregnancy, reminds me daily that I didn't really want to be pregnant again. And although I know that at the end of all of this is a HUGE blessing that will enrich our already AMAZING life indefinitely, this thought does little to calm the frustration that arises when I can't bend down to pick Beck up from his crib, when I need to sit down to rest after taking a walk around the block, when I have to get up multiple times to pee in the middle of the night. It almost seems like a race against time in the sense that the pregnancy will continue to impede more and more, so I better find a way to ease my automatic frustration and sometimes almost anger when my body reminds me that it is changing daily.
I know these are negative words to speak, but He knows my thoughts and is holding my hand in dealing with them, so I feel comfortable enough to speak the truth. Along with all of this frustration and guilt, ALWAYS comes the reminder of the miscarriages before Beck. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, which again, isn't a very happy thought, but it is what it is. It is just amazing how quickly life can change, how fast perspective shifts, and how obvious it is that this life isn't ours to begin with, but the Lords. People deal and respond to situations differently and for me, it still continues to be in the back of my thoughts always within reach. Take, for example, a couple weeks ago. After straining my lower back picking Beck up (there's the pregnancy thing again), Jason was so sweet and sent me on a surprise trip to get a prenatal massage, in hopes that they could loosen my back and uplift my spirits. While filling out all the forms, there was a whole medical section asking about number of pregnancies, number of miscarriages, and I even read that if I had told the truth (I didn't due to the fact that I didn't think it was any of their business and I felt fairly confident that a massage wasn't going to distress the baby) but, if I had, then I was required to present a doctor's release saying I was allowed to actually get the massage. Wow, is that where I am? Is that where I stand? I know in a sense we're all broken in this life, but still...
And here enters difficulty number two...and although I'm self-pitying enough that yes, there are many more than two issues currently, we'll just stop after this one. In my opinion there is only one real downside to staying home to raise your children. They become your life, your everything, in a way that only a stay at home mom/dad can understand. You eat, sleep, breathe them. And therefore, when things are rough with them, things are rough with you. Kylie's eyes have been regressing over the last couple weeks, which according to what the doctor told us, was expected, but still....We're in the process of booking another eye appointment, this time with the intent to discuss and schedule surgery to correct the problem. This makes me sick to my stomach with fear. I try and picture Ky on a hospital bed, them trying to put in an I.V., them operating on my sweet little babies eyes while I sit in the waiting room, and I just can't handle it. I KNOW this is what she needs, I KNOW it will make her life better now and down the road, I KNOW that being a parent comes with responsibilities and one of those is having the strength to do what's right even in the face of fear or uncertainty, but DANG...it isn't easy. This thought has been all consuming to me lately, and I'm praying for strength and peace of mind.
At the end of the day, there is where you want to be, and there is where you are. Not with life or what life is giving you, that we can not control, but more with where you are with what you're given. Currently there is a large canyon between where I want to be and where I am. And I pray that I get there soon..because life happens regardless of where you are, and I need to be ready.
