Ranting 101

Well, I call it ranting, but some might identify it as more of an emotional melt down. Let me start from the beginning.

Today was a great day. One of those days where none of the circumstances are in your favor: Stratton is cutting teeth, Kylie is still fighting this skin rash for going on 2 weeks (thanks to new sunscreen), and Beck, well, we all know Beck, it isn't a normal day in the Alcorn household unless he has a minimum of at least 10 total breakdowns, it was a steady and stifling 100 degrees all day, making it impossible to do anything outside, and J's flight from College Station was cancelled causing him to drive the 4 hr. trip home, getting him in around 10 pm .

However, for some strange reason, all the planets must have aligned, and it turned out to be a wonderful day. We played inside with only minimal whining, all the kiddos got along great, and they all went to bed BEFORE 8 (even Strat) without so much as a single complaint. It is in moments like these where I think I could do this stay at home mom thing FOREVER! Which gets me thinking...

To school or not to school, that is the question...

After Kylie was born, staying home wasn't an option. We went through our fair share of bad preschools before coming across the one she is currently in, and trust me, I had my fair share of breakdowns over feeling so guilty. But in the end, the bills had to get paid, mommy had to work, and I know she was well taken care of. As Kylie got older, and was able to express herself more clearly, I felt more at ease with sending her to school because I could tell she LOVED every bit of it. She will head off to kindergarten in August, and I am fairly certain she's well prepared, in part because of the amazing job her preschool has done.

The plan was always to start Beck in preschool when Kylie started kindergarten in August. He is your typical boy who goes 100 mph, the stimulation meter can never be too high, and a slight rest in action causes fits beyond belief. He would benefit from school in a different way than Kylie did. Kylie was shy, too shy, and needed to be pushed out of her shell, and preschool did just that. Beck is another story. He's active, too active, to the point where I can't provide enough stimulation at home (while dealing with Strat) to really keep him happy.

Well, August is just around the corner, and I kid you not when I say that I am at a point of hyperventilating when I think of sending Beckster to school full time. He's always been home with me. For going on two years I've listened to the pitter patter of his too-heavy footsteps behind me every step of the way. I've woken him up from every nap, fed him every meal, and laughed at, and with him, more times that I can even count.

I never had a choice in sending Kylie to school, but looking back, I'm glad she went. There are experiences a child has while in that environment that you just can't recreate at home. With that being said, having now stayed home for two years, I'm well aware that there are also experiences a child has while staying home with a loving and supportive parent that can't be recreated in a school environment. I think of the hundreds of times a day where I turn to see Beck running into my arms with a big smile on his face, just because he wants to hug me. And I think of him at school, away from me, and it feels like my biggest fear coming to life.

Thus, the dilemma. Which is better? To have him at a school where he'll be able to interact with kids his age, learn patience and manners and how to deal with new situations, or to have him home where I can love on him indefinitely and know he's safe. And how do I separate out my fears while making the decision. Is my fear in sending him to school based on money spent that doesn't HAVE to be? Or is it simply that I'm not ready to let him go. Once he's out of that box, as Jason puts it, he's a schooler, and there's not really any going back. Can I do it? Can I handle taking him in that first week, every morning with him pulling on my neck, crying as I put him in the arms of his new teacher (knowing full well that I'll pick him up later, ecstatic and overjoyed). I just don't know.

Every kid is different. And as a parent, every experience is different. No one said it was going to be easy...man, that's a bit of an understatement if you ask me. There are days where I come close to pulling all my hair out. Where all I want is a moment of quiet without Ky asking for a snack, Beck whining to watch show, or Strat crying for a bottle. But at the end of days like today, I want it to last forever.

Life is always easier when options aren't involved. Such was the case with Kylie. Will Beck benefit in the huge ways Ky did? There is no way to know. But it is decision time in the Alcorn household, and I'm sitting right smack dab in the middle of the fence, just waiting for a slight breeze to blow me one way....or the other.