A good friend recently loaned me her copy of "Heaven is for Real." I've heard so much about it, but have been in sorta a reading rut lately. Actually, rut isn't the right word. Truth is I haven't picked up a book in about 2 months, and the last one I did start, I never finished (something I can't stand doing). My reading tends to be very cyclical. One month Jason will ask why there's all these charges for kindle downloads, and the next month I realize my kindle hasn't come out of my nightstand, period.
But back to the book. If you haven't read it, and you plan to, be forewarned, I'm going to share openly my thoughts.
In hopes of avoiding a complete synopsis, I'll sum up the book by saying it is written by a Dad whose son claims to have gone to heaven and come back during a near death experience. Maybe its because I read a similar book earlier in the year, "the boy who came back from heaven", or something like that, I can't remember the exact title right now, but I wasn't as blown away by it as others have been. That's not to say it was a bad read, I enjoyed it. Maybe it was just the similarities between this book and the earlier one that took away a bit of the "wonder" of it all. Either that or the fact that there has been many "Heavenly Trip" books to adorn bookstore shelves lately.
Regardless, back to the point of this post. Its nearing midnight and once again I find my mind churning (thanks to a brief section of the book). In it, the boy claims to have met his sister, a child who was never born, due to a miscarriage, during his trip to heaven. Jason and I have spoken several times about what it will be like to meet the two babies we lost before having Beck. But what is nagging at my brain is the idea that the son claims his sister can't wait to meet their parents one day. This seems like a simple, and quite obvious thought. But it was one that hit me hard. Giving those who never touched the earth feelings makes them so much more real. And not that I ever questioned their existence, then or now, but it adds a depth and perspective that is new to me.
As is human nature, I've only viewed our miscarriages from my point of view. I can't wait to meet them. I want to know them. I want to love them. The simple idea that they might want to meet us too is, for some reason, very overwhelming. And it makes it that much harder to handle. As a parent, we have an innate sense to help our children. To comfort them, to keep them safe, to provide for them a sense of security. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm just learning that this motherly desire to "mother" stretches beyond the here and now (at least for me)
Life is different for everyone. And different people can experience the same event differently. I don't know what heaven will be like. I only know what I believe to be true, and what scripture tells me, but if this boy's story is real, and I have no reason to not believe (God is amazing), I hope those two beautiful children in heaven are as excited to meet me as I am to meet them.
That time in my life is by far one of the hardest I've ever had to endure (along with Ky's surgeries). There are times when I'm alright talking about it, and times when I am not. I am a mom: a mom of three beautiful children here on earth, and two in heaven. I hope at the end of it all, my heavenly children will be able to say, "my mom rocks!"
Thinking of you both tonight. All my love.
